After so Long...

"Gremlin! Snap out of it!" He shook Miyavi a little. That name had to get his attention...did Sakuya use Miyavi when he was in this state? That was wrong on every level...especially the boyfriend one.

"Hey...what's gotten into you? Why are you doing this?" Hard drugs, drinking, and...suicide...this wasn't Miyavi...

He didn't like being shook. His stomach turned and he groaned again, holding his side as if he was going to puke. He pulled away from Dai and crawled to the toilet to vomit. He rested his head on the toilet seat for a moment before crashing to the floor, hitting his head hard. Miyavi blacked out for a moment but came back, shivering from the cold. He would get really sick if he stayed on the floor. Good thing he didn't care.

Dai had had enough. He let Miyavi lay on the floor while he cleaned up the room, taking the knife and drugs with him. The hotel room was a mess...but...in a few hours time he had it all done. The remains of Miyavi's beloved guitar were in a chair. Now all he had to do was get Miyavi to bed. He did, though not very well. Still, Dai stripped down and went to sleep cuddling him. Miyavi would wake up from his drug and alcohol induced daze to Dai's face...hopefully that would make things a little better...

Miyavi was barely conscious when Dai moved him. He was lighter than he should have been. No remains of food were around, so all these drugs on an empty stomach were worse than they should have been. He felt himself being put in bed and he mumbled again.

"No, Saku...please don't..." He curled up in a ball and tried to get away. "I want my skittles...I want my...I want...Dai...Dai..."

He passed out quickly, his shivering slowly stopping. During the night, he moved closer to Dai, trying to get his warmth. He kept tossing and turning in a feverish haze. He'd made himself sick. Even when morning came, he still was sleeping, hot forehead pressed against Dai's neck.

Dai woke up the next morning an overheated Miyavi...at least he was sleeping though. Dai moved silently and got a cold wet rag to put on his forehead. They didn't have a show for a few days so everything was alright...he called and ordered some breakfast and tea. Tea always worked...Dai was worried about Miyavi. He hoped he could get him clean...and back to the way he was. The blonde had even ordered for a large bag of wildberry skittles to be brought with breakfast. Sakuya called...he wanted to know how he was.

"He's resting...I got the apartment clean, took all the drugs, alcohol, and sharp objects away...no. It's alright. I'm happy to help...I'll stay here with him for a few days...make sure he's alright...yeah. I ordered him some breakfast...yeah...no problem...yeah...alright...bai." The guitarist sighed and sat down at the end of the bed...this was going to take some time.

Miyavi slept for a long while, the fever finally broke and he seemed to be getting better rest. It wasn't until the afternoon that he actually woke up. He sat up and looked around, idly wondering where Sakuya went. Wasn't he next to him all night? That's when he noticed Dai, sitting in a chair and looking awfully concerned.

"Dai..." He breathed, honestly thinking he'd never see him again. His head was pounding and his stomach was growling noisily but that didn't matter. Dai was here. With him.

Dai looked up. He was going to be honest...brutally honest. "You really piss me off sometimes. Drugs...alcohol...suicide...cutting...and then acting like that...you make me so angry..." There was food on a tray waiting for Miyavi. Dai came over to him and sat down with the tray right next to him.

"Yet I came...I came and I took everything that you'd been doing away...I cleaned the room...I got you to bed...I laid next to you and made sure you were alright, even though you pushed me away...I got your fever down...ordered you breakfast...you piss me off...but...I can't stay mad. I was angry for a total of two minutes...then I just broke down and cried. What's gotten into you...it got bad enough for your boyfriend to beg for me to help because you keep saying my name in your sleep...what made you go to this?" Dai was truly concerned and he reached out to Miyavi, praying he didn't pull away this time.

Dai's words stung. He didn't mean to hurt him. He never wanted to hurt Dai. His self destruction was just that. It wasn't supposed to affect anyone else. Even Sakuya was hurt now. Dai reached out to him and Miyavi leaned into the touch.

"Don't cry..." He said, his voice shaky. "Please...don't cry."

Miyavi scooted closer to him and hesitantly wrapped his arms around him. It hurt to see Dai so upset. A question came to mind that used to haunt their relationship. He wasn't going to ask it, though. He wasn't going to ask if Dai had eaten. He had to make things smooth between them again.

Dai willingly let Miyavi hold him as he showed him breakfast. His favorite...and a giant bag of his once favorite skittles right next to it. "No more drugs...no more getting drunk to the point of poisoning...I'd really like to say no more alcohol but...not so much...and no more cutting...no more suicide. But tell me why? Why would you in the first place?"

Dai got him his favorite breakfast and there were some skittles. His favorite flavor. He looked at Dai and smiled. It was wonderful to have him by his side again. He couldn't help kissing him on the cheek. He wanted to brush his teeth before he tried anything else, though.

Dai was scolding him, telling him to stay clean. Miyavi knew he was right but it was harder than that. "I...I started getting into things like that almost two years ago. I wasn't happy. Nothing made me happy. I missed you too much. I couldn't have you. I was stupid and let you go. A mistake I'll regret forever. I can't have you even now and I know that all the dreams I ever had were only good when you were in them. You saved my life when we met and many times since then. I want...I should give up everything, but it's just not that simple. Addictions are...too life consuming. I'll try, though..."

He reached for the food and started eating. His stomach was more than grateful.

Him...Dai was the reason. "You're the one that left me...and I still don't know why. We talked about it for five years...we were going to go into the music business together...live together...and be together...and then...senior year came and you just...distanced yourself from me. It hurt and there was nothing I could do...you barely even cuddled with me that year. It was like you were disgusted with me or something. Then you broke it off...saying you were moving on like I was only good in high school or something...like you didn't want to be tied down...and it hurt...you can't blame this on me...you can't." Dai sat back and laid down. Two days...and then Sakuya would come back. Well hopefully Miyavi would stay clean...

"No, Dai. I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming myself. I...I'm far too in love with you. More than what's probably healthy. I don't remember what happened that last year...I never stopped loving you, though. Never. Not once."

Miyavi looked away and his hand went instinctively to his neck, where the necklace was hidden under his sweater. The necklace Dai gave him their first year together. He always kept it but had been afraid to wear it. And now...it didn't matter, did it? Dai wouldn't take him back. What was the use when he couldn't be happy? Miyavi's eyes glazed over and it wasn't hard to tell he was thinking on his suicide.

Dai watched Miyavi closely and when he saw that look...he moved closer to him, holding him close. "Don't even think about it. You're stuck in this hell with me...you can't leave me." He nuzzled into Miyavi, trying to get him to see that he loved him and he cared...that he just wanted him back.

"What happened to us?"

He snapped out of it, seeing Dai move close and then hold him. Miyavi hugged onto him, trying not to feel so down. Maybe he should start taking his anti-depressants again. He had them in his bag. Sakuya made him bring them. He sniffled and shook his head.

"I don't know. But I know it's all my fault. I ruined everything." He said, choking back tears. "...Everything..."

He clung to Dai, not wanting to let him go. He was the only little bit of sunshine he had and even that was fleeting. Dai would disappear again and he'd be miserable.

They spent the day together and Miyavi was doing fairly good...until later that night. His withdrawls were starting to kick and it was starting to look bad. Dai threw everything out...and he was a bit worried about him. Though as much as he would've liked, the blonde went to lay down in the other bed...he had to keep an eye on Miyavi though. He didn't want to lose him.

It was a nice day. Like a dream. Until the withdrawals kicked in. Miyavi was sweating and pacing. His hands were shaking and he just couldn't sit still, let alone sleep. He went to Dai's bed and tried to get him to help him with his fix.

"Please...Dai...I need something. Anything. I can't...I c-can't just stop cold turkey. Ah." He grabbed his stomach, as if that was where the pain was. "Please..." He was practically sitting in his lap and tugging at his shirt. He nuzzled against his neck, hoping and praying that Dai had some drugs or something that could keep him contained.

Dai looked at Miyavi and got an idea...one he would gladly partake in. Moving to where he was away from Miyavi he stripped down to his boxers before coming back to him. "No drugs...I'm your fix. No more drugs...ever...and you get me. Sneak around...and cheat...but it's what you want...and it's what I want...so pick. Drugs...or me." Oh he hoped this worked...Miyavi had always said he was like a drug...he just hoped he was still good enough.

Dai moved away and stripped. Miyavi licked his lips and clung onto him again when he came close. "I can...I can have you? If i just...you'll be mine?" His heart was pounding. Oh, how he longed to kiss him, to make him moan and become his lover once again. That would work as a fix, he figured. It was what he wanted more than anything. He ran his hands along Dai's chest and down to where the tattoo was barely visible over the waistband of his boxers. His Dai, his beautiful, caring, amazing Dai. How could he say no?

Dai nodded. He found himself on the bed in no time. Their lips were locked together and their hands wouldn't leave each other's bodies. Dai moaned when Miyavi found his neck...he already had hickies from Fuji...so maybe Miyavi would just...go over them?

"No drugs...the minute you use them...no more me. Got it? Stay clean and I'm yours. We still have to sneak around and stuff...but you'll know that I belong to you...just...like you still...belong...to me...you still have this necklace?"

Miyavi was kissing him hungrily, his head already spinning with desire. His hands were shaking less when they were roaming Dai's body. He was kissing along his neck, hating that there were someone else's marks there. Well, he would do like Dai did to him. He bit the marks, making them his own, biting one until it almost bled. Dai was HIS and always will be. His shirt fell to the floor and the necklace was dangling from his neck. He stopped a moment at Dai's words and smiled.

"Of course I still have it. Why wouldn't I?" He said, kissing him again. "I even have that picture in my bag...the one that I had framed for you...remember?"

He went back to kissing his neck, his hands gripping at him as if to get him closer. God, this was just what he needed.

Dai smiled at the necklace and the memory. "You mean the one I broke and Jun had fixed?" Miyavi nearly made the hickie on his neck bleed...but he understood why. Still...everything felt right. It was wrong on a few levels...but it was right to them...his body responded and...someone was unlocking the door...Moving quickly Miyavi went back to the other bed while Dai laid down...Sakuya had come in to get a few things.

"Miyavi...you're awake!...how are you feeling?" He wanted to know...but things seemed to be going okeh. He got some of his clothes and went to his boyfriend.

"Dai's going to be staying in here a few days and I'm going to stay with Fujisaki...I hope that's okeh. It just seems like he's what you need...you need a friend. I love you okeh?" Sakuya kissed Miyavi's forehead and left...well...that was awkward. Dai got up and locked the door again. He came back and crawled into Miyavi's lap grinning.

"Somehow...I got a thrill out of that...now...where were we?"

"Oh fuck!" Miyavi bolted to the other bed and tried to hide his erection under the covers.

"Hey, Saku...I'm feeling better. Dai sobered me up..." He smiled. Sakuya came over and kissed him on the forehead. He said 'I love you' and Miyavi was scared that he was suspicious. That and he was hurt because he could never say it back. "I know. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

He did care for Sakuya, but it was more of a friendly thing than love. He wasn't what Miyavi wanted. Not at all. Once sakuya left, Miyavi sighed. That was so close. Dai came back to his lap and Miyavi grinned.

"Of course you did, you kinky little thing." He laughed, actually laughed. He kissed him and held him close, his hands trailing along his back. Here was what he wanted. And somehow, it was right to be neglecting Sakuya for it. True love can't be conquered! That's what they say...or something like that.

"Mmm...you know it...so what do you want to do with my extremely horny, kinky self?" Oh so many things...and they had two days. Oh but Dai was going to turn him more first...he crawled into his lap and started kissing and nipping at his neck.

"I love you...and I want you...inside me...making me beg for more...pleading for my master to make me cum...and I want it...right now...and did you know you got bigger since we broke up?" He just had to throw that last bit in. It would be a wonderful two days...then they'd really have to sneak around. Oh but they could. Still...it made Dai feel very elated when he knew Miyavi wouldn't say I love you back to Sakuya...but he would to Dai, even now...

Dai was turning him on so much. Miyavi loved it. He loved how horny he got and the way he would talk dirty like this. "Oh, Dai...Mmm, I love you..." He pushed him down onto the bed and tugged his boxers off. He went to work at his own pants, wanting, no, needing to feel him. He clawed at Dai's sides, knowing how much some little pain added to the pleasure. He'd give him everything. Just like he always did. Because his heart was in it. Sex was incredible when two people really, truly loved each other.

Dai's boxers left and he watched in anticipation as Miyavi removed his own pants...oh this would be good. He pulled his secret lover to him and kissed him hungrily. "Fuck...please...it's been too long. It took every ounce of strength I had to not come back after that night...I need it Miyavi...master please...don't make me wait." He pulled Miyavi as close as possible but somehow it still wasn't enough. He wanted him closer...he needed him closer. The overwhelming desire was getting to them...this would be hard to keep quiet but they had to. He couldn't live without him anymore...Dai refused to.