After so Long...

"I know. I know..." He said, sighing a little. "It's just hard not to blame myself. I mean, I was holding your hand and you disappeared. I should have seen it coming and kept it from happening. I'm trying to just let it pass. I really am. Just...don't be mad at me, okay?"

He kissed him and stayed close, completely ignoring the others in the room. Dai was the most important thing in his life and they would know it. Dai came before everything. Even himself.

"I do understand...believe me...but just remember one thing okeh? You can't see everything coming...no one can...so don't let little things get in the way. Or even big things like this. Things happen...and it makes us stronger. You staying with me makes me happy...you don't have to protect me from everything baby..just know I'm still here and be thankful for it...I love you too much to die without you." He smiled softly and the others left the room...they needed privacy.

Miyavi nodded, Dai's words sinking to his core. He was right, Miyavi shouldn't blame himself. It'll just eat at him for no reason and tear them apart. That was the last thing he wanted. "I am thankful. I love you, Dai. I'm trying...I don't want to feel so down about it anymore...just...give me some time, okay?"

He didn't even notice the others leaving. He was too lost in Dai's eyes to notice anything else. He smiled a little and ran his fingers through Dai's hair. His eyes wandered over his lover's form to the bandages.

"Does it...hurt a lot?" He asked softly, his fingers trailing along his side to where he was injured.

Miyavi closed his eyes when he felt Miyavi's hands in his hair. He reopened them though at the question. "Not really that much now...at first they did but they gave me some really good painkillers. It'll be fine in about two weeks...until then we will have to suffice with cuddling."

"Two weeks? That's a long time to have stitches in." Miyavi pouted. It wasn't the sex he was thinking about. He didn't want Dai to be limited in any way. Miyavi would have to be gentle with him and they would all have to be careful so as not to hurt him.

"Are they going to make you stay here?" He sort of wanted to go home, to Japan. He wanted to get far away from the castle and from the ghosts. It was safe in Japan.

"No but I can't fly yet...I have to wait a week. They said I could be moved to London...but I kind of want Gackt as my doctor still...he knows me best." Dai wasn't going to tell Miyavi that Gackt could see through his facade. He still had his eating disorder and in the time that him and Miyavi were apart it got so much worse...he didn't want another doctor just spilling that information out to the world. Well...to Miyavi. Gackt told him he'd keep quiet so long as he was recovering and Dai was...he didn't want Miyavi to think he was still like that.

"Yeah. Gackt knows you best..." He said, snuggling against him. He had no idea that Dai was struggling with the eating disorder again. He was having a hard enough time fighting cravings of his own. He'd gone quite some time now without drugs and it was difficult. He had a little stash that Dai didn't know about but he was afraid that if he took some that Dai would find out and leave him again. He hated this. The withdrawals were painful but he tried not to show it. They would get over this, he kept telling himself. Dai would get better and he would get cleaned up and there wouldn't be anything holding them back anymore.

"Guys we brought you lunch!" Toki came in carrying a chinese takeout. Dai pulled the covers away so they could both sit up.

"No thanks...I don't want to mess anything up with the stitches." Valid point. They were right over his stomach. Toki got an understanding look on his face and nodded, though he handed Miyavi his food.

"Well here you go Miyavi. I wasn't sure what you liked so I got General Tso's and fried rice...everyone likes that right?"

Dai passing on food made Miyavi frown. They hadn't eaten in quite a while and he knew Dai should be hungry. He thanked Toki and looked at his food before looking at Dai, a slightly worried look on his face.

"Eat some of this rice with me? Just a little bit. I don't think it will mess up the stitches..." Dai shouldn't be passing up on food. If eating would be bothering the stitches, wouldn't Gackt have him on an IV or something? This wasn't sitting well with Miyavi. This stress was the last thing they needed.

Dai stopped and looked for a moment and nodded. rice wasn't too bad...it filled him up quick at least. "Okeh...some rice would be good...my tummy does want food. I'm just afraid of having the stitches break or something and have to get them put back in." He moved closer to Miyavi and took a bite of his fried rice. Oh man was it good. His stomach wanted more.

Miyavi let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding in. He kissed Dai's forehead and fed him some rice. The more bites the better. Dai needed to eat. Miyavi didn't want to seem suspicious of the eating disorder but he would force it on him if he had to. He wasn't going to let Dai do that to himself again.

He liked feeding Dai, too. It was sweet. He loved taking care of him. And then Dai would smile at him and all the troubles in the world would disappear because he knew Dai loved him.

Dai looked up and smiled as Miyavi kept feeding him. But soon enough his tummy refused any more. "Oh...gremlin...you stuffed me. No more for now ne?" He laid down an nuzzled into Miyavi's body. He was tired again. Those painkillers were certainly making sure he rested.

"Alright..." Miyavi smiled, glad that Dai ate as much as he did. He ran his hand along Dai's back as he laid down and then decided to feed himself. He munched quietly, looking down at Dai with worry. Why did bad things always seem to happen to them? "Are you sleepy?" He asked, taking another bite. He would snuggle with him and held him sleep if he was. Miyavi wasn't going anywhere. He'd get over this and they would be fine. Dai would be okay.

"Just a bit...go ahead and finish eating. I'll still be here. Maybe if I wake up I'll want some chicken...but those painkillers are making me sleepy again." Dai yawned as he finished his sentence and curled up around Miyavi as much as he could without hurting himself.

"Okay. get some rest. You need it." He ran his hand along his back again, soothing him. He ate his fill and set the food aside to snuggle up against him again. He pulled the blanket over them and kissed his forehead, whispering an 'i love you' before closing his eyes and trying to drift off. He wasn't sleepy but he wanted to stay close to Dai. He wanted them to stay as close as possible. He didn't want anything to get between them. He loved him too much for either of them to drift away.

Dai was in the middle of a nightmare. Yasu had Miyavi and was doing all sorts of horrible things to him but...he couldn't reach him! Aoi was holding him back...and god was he in pain. The ghost was hurting him...in ways he didn't think possible. The last thing Dai saw before he woke up was Yasu killing Miyavi...and hearing one last 'I love you' before jerking awake and screaming.

Dai was moving about in his sleep and it was bothering Miyavi. He must be having a nightmare. Miyavi tried to calm him down, tried to soothe him, but it didn't seem like it was working. Dai was thrashing and Miyavi tried to hold him close to keep him from hurting himself. But then Dai woke up, screaming. Miyavi was shocked and worried and he wanted him to calm down.

"Dai...baby, what happened? Are you okay?" He ran his hand along Dai's cheek, feeling that he was all clammy. "Should I go get Gackt?"

Dai was crying when he saw Miyavi. Gackt and the others came in anyway because of the screaming...and all Dai could do was cry and hold onto his boyfriend.

"I-I...couldn't...he...he killed you! He killed you and I couldn't stop it...I-I...please don't go back...please..."

"Hey...calm down, Dai..." Miyavi held onto him, scared at how much his boyfriend was shaking. "Shhh...calm down and tell me what happened."

His heart was racing, though. It must have been some nightmare. He saw the others come in and he gave them a look to keep them back. Dai needed to calm down first. Miyavi didn't want him freaking out.

Dai was trying to calm down but it wasn't working...he took a deep breath and told him his dream. The others looked very sick by how gory it was. "A-And then...he k-killed you...your las-t words were 'I-I love you'...please don't go back Miyavi. Yasu will kill you...please...I can't lose you." he was starting to get frantic again...he just couldn't calm down.

Miyavi felt his stomach lurch at the dream and he was trying hard not to shake in fear. Not Yasu. Anyone but Yasu. He pulled Dai closer and pet his hair, trying his best to calm him down.

"Dai, shh...it's okay. It was just a dream. I'm not going anywhere. I swear." His voice was a little shaky. The fact that Dai wasn't calming down was worrying him. Gackt didn't like this scene at all and went to fetch a sedative from a nurse in the hall.

"I'm sorry..." He said, coming close to the pair and dosing Dai. He shouldn't be so stressed. The doctor stood back and looked down at his feet. Miyavi looked at him in shock.

"Why did you...Dai, you okay?" He said, still holding him close and trying to help.

Dai felt a pinprick and then fell back asleep in Miyavi's arms. This time it was dreamless but he was still shaking a little from the trauma. Gackt had Miyavi lay him back down and covered him up.

"There...when he wakes up just don't do anything to make him get frantic. Stress and anxiety aren't good for him in this state."

Miyavi was trying not to cry. He didn't like seeing Dai so distraught. He snuggled up next to Dai, frowning up at Gackt. "Why does...why does so much shit happen to us? Why can't we just be happy?"

The fact that the dream was so intense to scare Dai like that worried Miyavi deeply. Dai was supposed to be the strong one, the one who wasn't afraid of anything. And yet here he was so vulnerable and frightened and Miyavi couldn't help him. Dai was limp in his sleep and Miyavi moved off the bed, trying not to pace too much.

"Why does something always happen to us? huh? With me and Dai...there's always something that...that keeps us from just being happy. I want to be happy. I don't want to stress out and be scared anymore that something bad is going to happen to him...or that he'll slip back into the eating disorder and kill himself. Why can't it just be perfect?" His voice got louder and stubborn tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Miyavi...you two have had it rougher than others by far but it has made you two stronger. Dai's eating disorder stops completely around you...okeh? He won't let himself slip back into it around you. QA has too much bad things in it for anyone to be completely happy...get away from there and be together...you'll be happy Miyavi. I promise." Gackt was trying to comfort Miayvi but no one knew Dai could still hear the conversation. Though he was sedated...he wasn't really asleep.

"It's one thing after another. Always. Something always getting between us. It's so hard...I get so worried about him I can't even think straight. I love him so much it hurts. So much that it's probably unhealthy. I almost killed myself dozens of times, just because I couldn't have him in my arms. And just for a moment I figured everything was perfect. I had him back and I hadn't done drugs in days. And now...now...I promised him I wouldn't but...I can't...I need a fix. Gackt...help me...I want...I need to be sober for him."

Miyavi slumped to the floor and tried to breathe right. He was worked up and his hands were shaking. His withdrawals were getting to him again and he hid his face behind his hands. He needed to relax. He needed to get them away from QA and somewhere safe where they could just be happy again.