How You Can't Remember

Miyavi felt so new somehow. He knew every bit of him but Dai still felt like this was the beginning of something new. "Well if anyone could make me this jittery it's definitely you." The man moved to take off Miyavi's shirt only to take one of his nipples in his mouth and suck on it gently. He wanted this to be amazing for Miyavi. He wanted him to want him even after the night was over.

"Do what feels natural to you."

"Dai..." He moaned his name as he felt lips on his nipple. He felt so sensitive and Dai just made everything feel good. He tugged at Dai's shirt, wanting to to get to him just as much. His lips went to Dai's neck, kissing and nipping. He sucked on the spot just below Dai's ear, something just told him to. It felt right. He then tugged on Dai's pants, wanting more, He noticed the tattoo peaking out from under his pants at his hip and he ran his fingers along it.

"What's this?" He asked curiously.

The moan Miyavi got from his kissing said everything. He instinctively knew that was his weakest spot. His Miyavi was in there and coming out in bits and pieces. What's what? Oh...the tattoo.

"That's the tattoo I got in our first year of being together. It's your name. I wanted it to forever show that I belonged to you. Even after we broke up I still believed you owned me. It's your kanji."

"My name?" They both bore tattoos for each other. This was how committed they were. Oh, Miyavi wanted it back. He wanted to remember everything and be able to make Dai happy again. On instinct, he leaned down and kissed the tattoo, running his lips over the kanji. He looked up at Dai, hoping he wasn't ruining the moment at all. He kissed a trail back up to Dai's neck, his hands working quickly to undo his pants. Even if his mind didn't know what it was doing, his body did.

Dai didn't fight anything his lover was doing. It felt new and exciting. Maybe this was a good thing for them. Maybe they had somehow become routine in what they did. This might have been a blessing in disguise. "Miyavi..." Dai's breathy whisper left his lips only a second before meeting Miyavi's. He pulled the man with him further up on the bed as they go more comfortable. His own hands were working to undo his pants. He wanted him so bad and no matter the warning the doctor gave him he was going to do it. Miyavi was his and he intended to keep him as long as possible.

Miyavi moaned softly, shivers running down his spine at how Dai spoke his name. Soon they were stripped and Miyavi was kissing at Dai's neck while he prepped him. His hands were shaky but he knew this was what he wanted. Maybe this will unlock his mind again and make everything clear. He wanted to be the man on the DVD, the man in those pictures. He wanted to be worthy of Dai's love.

He pulled his fingers out and gave Dai one last kiss before pushing into him slowly. It felt incredible. He moaned and paused when he was in all the way, giving Dai a moment to adjust. His hands were at Dai's hips, a little shaky but sure. Once he started moving, he quickly found a pace good enough for them, Dai's name falling from his lips.

Dai's body accepted Miyavi so easily. He gasped softly at the intrusion. It felt so good to feel him again...to be with him again. "Miyavi..." Everything from that was a blur. A very happy blur. The next thing he knew it was morning and he was naked in Miyavi's arms. Smiling softly to himself, the redhead nuzzled his boyfriend's chest as he got comfy.

"I can die right now and not care. This...this is prefect."

It was a beautiful night and Miyavi slept soundly. First night since the accident without any nightmares. Instead, he dreamed of Dai. He kept holding onto him the whole night, nuzzling close for warmth. This felt so right and he didn't know why. He trusted Dai, though. He knew that Dai held the key to getting his memories back.

He heard Dai's voice and woke up, slowly opening his eyes. He sighed and stretched a little, quickly getting comfy again.

"What's perfect?" He asked, not entirely sure what Dai meant. "And what...what does 'gremlin' mean? You called me that last night. A lot."

Dai smiled when he felt Miyavi stir, blushing at what his lover said. "This. Laying here with you again like this. It's perfect. I've sorely missed this. It was a good few days before the accident the last time you were in this bed with me at night. And Gremlin." The redhead moved so he was laying on top of Miyavi looking down at him.

"Is you. You loved skittles so much when we were younger. Not so much now but it was pretty much your diet for the first year we knew each other and I'm pretty sure it was your diet the entire year before we met too. You loved them and hoarded them like they were being discontinued or the world was ending or something, much like a gremlin would hoard things. So I started calling you Skittle Gremlin...my skittle gremlin. The name stuck and I still call you it sometimes, even if you aren't really one anymore."

Miyavi beamed and reached out to hold him when he moved. He liked the story about the nickname. It even made him laugh. It was just another part of his life he didn't know about.

"I like it." He said, leaning up to give Dai a kiss. This felt so good, being here with him like this. But things still weren't clicking.

A week passed and Miyavi stayed completely devoted to Dai, even letting him give him a few guitar lessons so he could pick up the skill again. Things were nice, but they weren't how they should. Miyavi could hear Dai crying in the bathroom some times because Miyavi couldn't remember things. It hurt and he didn't know what else he could do to inspire the memories to come back to him. He watched the DVD of himself and of Dai and looked through the scrapbook and any other pictures Dai had. He was trying so hard but it was frustrating. Why couldn't he remember?

One night, after talking each other to sleep, Miyavi slept fitfully. He kept tossing and turning in a series of nightmares until he woke up, crying out. He sat up, panting and sweating, trying to make sense of what he saw in his dreams. That couldn't have been his life.

The weeks passed and Dai was happy to have Miyavi back but still broke down when he couldn't remember his life. It hurt to know that his Miyavi may be gone forever. It was a normal night except that Miyavi woke him up by screaming. The redhead sat up and looked over at Miyavi concerned.

"What's wrong? What happened?" The tattooed man was clearly shaken. What kind of dream could do that to him?

"I-I don't know. I don't even know if that was a dream...or if it was a glimpse of my life..." He hid his face in his hands. "I wasn't a good person, was I?"

He looked over at Dai with tears in his eyes. He couldn't explain his dreams. They could be memories. It felt real. But that wasn't what he wanted. What was his life?

"Did I ever lie to you?"

Dai looked confused. "Miyavi you're one of the best people I know...I don't think you ever lied to me...not that I can really remember anyway. Why? What was your dream? Maybe it'll jog my memory if it was real." Dai had moved to sit facing his boyfriend. He was worried. What kind of dream would make Miyavi act like this? He hoped it wasn't a dream about the damn ghosts of QA. That was one of the worst things about that place...and a few of them had locked onto them. Thankfully they got away.

"It was in a classroom somewhere. There was this guy, this blond guy with piercings on his neck and lips. He was pushing me against a wall and grabbing me and kissing me...he said these awful things. Calling me a whore and I could hear myself moan like I was enjoying it. And then there was someone else. Another guy with long black hair and he was in a silk yukata and laughing. His laugh made my skin turn cold and his voice seemed like it was in my head, telling me to let the blond have his way with me. I didn't want any of it but I couldn't struggle. And then you walked in and had this look on your face...I woke up..."

Miyavi was shaking and cold and his head was starting to ache. Was that a real memory? He didn't like it one bit. It clearly terrified him.

Dai shuddered. "Yeah...that happened. The guy in the yukata is a ghost. One I'd prefer you to never have to remember and the blonde...the blonde is Mao. He broke us up. That was when we broke up. I thought you were cheating on me and when I saw that it just...it kinda confirmed it for me. You never did though. You were faithful to me that entire time. Mao was forcing himself on you. I broke the necklace you're wearing during the fight we had after that. It was a bad few days and an awkward few weeks after that. We made it through though. We've always prevailed, even in the hardest of circumstances...I'm sorry you had to remember that. Let's just hope that damned ghost doesn't continue to haunt your dreams. What he did to you wasn't pretty." The redhead pulled Miyavi to him to hold him close.

"I love you and you are a great person Mi-chan. The best I know...don't forget that alright? Even if you don't regain any other memories know that in my eyes you are the best person in the world."

"I don't want that memory, Dai. I want the ones like on the DVD or from the scrapbook. I want to know who I was, not what scared me most!" He was still shaking and he pulled away from Dai, getting up from the bed to go get a glass of water from the bathroom. He stood there for a minute and stared at his reflection.

"How do I become your Mi-chan, Dai? I want...so much..." He looked back at where Dai was sitting on the bed. "I'm so tired of not being able to love you like I should. Like the Miyavi you knew. I...I want to love you, but I...I'm not worthy of it..."

He came back into the room and sat on the bed, knowing his words had most likely upset Dai.

"I don't want to be a shadow anymore. I'd do anything to have myself back. Maybe then...maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty for loving you..."

Dai was looking down at the bed when Miyavi came back. He looked up at Miyavi with tears in his eyes. "Miyavi...don't you see? You are him. He's trying to show you. That incident played a big part in who you are. Who we are as a couple. It was a bad memory...but it's important. I'm sorry if you don't feel worthy of this but I love you Miyavi; both who you were and who you are now. These past few weeks have shown me why I love you and made me fall in love with you all over again. You mean everything to me...please..." He was moving closer to Miyavi, nearly pleading with him to let this go and just be with him. He didn't like the way Miyavi was pulling away little by little. He couldn't see it but Dai had known him a long time and even if Miyavi couldn't remember who he was he still acted the same.

"Please don't push me away...I love you regardless if you ever get your memory back or not." He wanted to be with Miyavi and not have to worry about this. The man was unresponsive though...it made the man tear up more and move away from him.

"I see...well...goodnight I guess." Dai moved and curled up facing away from Miyavi.

"The couch is free."

"Dai..." He looked at his back and felt awful. He shouldn't have said anything. "Please don't...I need you..."

He moved closer and nuzzled against him, slipping his arms around him. His tears wet Dai's back as he held onto him, scared to ever let go.

"You're the only strength I have. I'm sorry..." He tried to get Dai to face him. "If you could accept me then...with all those faults...I know you'll accept me now. I wasn't trying to push you away. I'm just...scared. I don't feel worthy enough for you because I'm not...not that guy. But I want to be...so much..."

Dai wouldn't face Miyavi. He couldn't. "No. You are. You don't get it. You are him. Everything you do. The way you walk and the way you talk. How you care for me and everything. It's all him. It's all who you used to be. You are him in every way...you just don't have the memories to prove that to you. You shouldn't be scared. You have me no matter what. I love you with every fiber of my being...I just wish you would accept that I love you and you love me and that be that. The doctor said forcing yourself to try to remember will only hurt you more. Just let them come to you...if they do, wonderful. If they don't then oh well...I still have them. I remember...those things still happened and I'm happy they did. It doesn't have to effect us now...I just wouldn't be able to stand it if you pulled away from me...not again." Despite telling Miyavi that he could sleep on the couch, Dai pulled him closer and held onto him.

"I'll believe you. Anything you say. Just don't turn me away, Daisuke..." He kissed his cheek and held him close, trying torelax and force himself to fall asleep. Dai was right. If he kept pushing himself to try and remember, it would only make things worse and only hurt them both more. Hurting Dai was the last thing he wanted. He'd hurt himself, fine, but not Dai. Even without his memories, Dai was the most important thing. He was the only link to his happiness and he wouldn't ever let that go.

The red head turned around to face Miyavi and cling to him as he got comfortable. "Don't leave me...my life always gets very dark when you leave. Things get out of control and my disorder spirals..." He was refering to his anorexia but didn't want to tell Miyavi he had it. That would only make him worry like he used to. It was kinda nice not having Miyavi constantly worry if he was eating or not.

Miyavi was falling asleep finally, glad that Dai was holding him back. He sighed and nuzzled him as he spoke, barely conscious or aware of what Dai was saying.

"I'll make sure you eat..." He mumbled, his eyes closed as he finally fell asleep. Things would be better. That was his last thought before he drifted into dreamland. Not the fact that he subconsciously knew about Dai's eating disorder.

Dai smiled softly and nuzzled Miyavi. His Miyavi was still in there too, coming out in bits and pieces. That was completely him. He knew that Miyavi would have all his memories back within time. It was good to know that there was a good chance of it happening. He just hoped that he wouldn't lose this Miyavi too.

"I'm sure you will...love you baby. Always." Morning came and Dai stretched only to find himself locked in Miyavi's arms. It was nice.

"Miyavi...Miyavi come on. I just had a brilliant idea that might help you. If you really want to get your memory back...we could go to QA. If that doesn't jog your memory then I don't know what would. I don't care either way but if it means so much to get it back then we can."

Dai had a great idea. Maybe being back at school, where their relationship started, would help the memories flood back. Miyavi agreed and the next day, they were on a plane out to England. Miyavi was nervous about going there. The nightmares he had of that ghost just kept coming and he was scared about that. He was also scared that this wouldn't work, that he still would have none of his memories. But they had to try.

Another plane and a train ride later, they were standing in the little town near the school. Miyavi looked around in wonder, gripping onto Dai's hand as if he would lose him.

"What is that place over there?" He asked, pointing to a closed up building that used to be the hotel they would go to on the weekends. "Why does that look familiar?"

The town had changed...buildings were shut down and new ones had popped up. There was one in particular that caught Miyavi's eyes. It was closed and near being condemned. Still Dai smiled at it and pulled his boyfriend to it. "This was our favorite hotel. it was where we went to get away. No ghosts. No prying students. Just us. Come on. We'll come back and see it in a bit. They even had our old room free so we get to stay in it." The school hadn't changed at all. It looked just like it had all those years ago. The headmaster met them at the gate.

"Headmaster Maya. You're still here? I would've thought they'd have gotten you by now."

"Oh not yet. They try though. Your room is all ready. Welcome back and I hope you get your memory back Miyavi."