How You Can't Remember

Things had been going so well for Dai and Miyavi. They were coming up on their tenth year being in love with each other and the spark had yet to fade. They had their rough spot, being broken up for a few years, but they came back together stronger than before. Everyone who met them agreed that these two were destined for each other and nothing could separate them again. Here was that true love that most people never get to experience. Dai and Miyavi were it.

Their band was a big hit with over a dozen albums released now and tours all over the world. It was what they had both always dreamed of. Sometimes, good things happen for good people and Miyavi found that he couldn't want anything else. He had his music and he had his muse. He never imagined himself to be this happy.

But the good things don't last forever. Miyavi and their band's drummer, Toki, were out late at the studio one night, finishing up some last minute polishing for an album they were submitting. Tired and exhausted, they left the building at 4am, practically stumbling to their car. Miyavi asked for a ride home, since he felt too tired to drive, and Toki complied. Somewhere along the road, they got into a terrible car accident. A drunk driver driving much too fast, sped over the median and crashed into their car, causing it to collide with the car next to it. Miyavi and Toki's car was squished between the two, both men unconscious.

It wasn't until they were being stabilized in the hospital that anyone was notified. Their band manager called Dai and the rest of the band, telling them that both men were in terrible condition and that Toki might not even live through the night. Toki was suffering from internal bleeding as well as broken bones and was off to surgery, while Miyavi lay in a coma in the ICU, the right side of his face and torso covered in cuts and his right arm broken. He had yet to wake up.

Dai was laying in bed looking at the empty side that Miyavi should be filling. It was the third night in a row that Toki and Miyavi had stayed at the studio so long. He wasn't normally paranoid but after he found out Toki had been crushing on Miyavi for a long time...well it made him worried. As he was laying there Dai got a bad feeling. He couldn't explain it. It was just as if dread had gripped him so tight and wasn't going to let go for anything. The phone rang shortly after that but Dai was still up so it didn't matter much.

"Hello?....Oh my god. I'll be right there." Miyavi and Toki were in a car accident...in the same car. He'd be so pissed if he didn't know that both were in bad shape. Dai met the rest of the band when he got to the hospital. It was bad...really bad. Toki might die and Miyavi still hadn't woken up.

"Mi-chan just open your eyes. Please...open your eyes and tell me you're alright. That it'll be okeh. Please...just wake up..." The blonde was holding Miiyavi's hand as he cried. He wasn't leaving his side for anything. Not until he knew he was alright.

It was a rough night at the hospital. Miyavi hadn't woken up at all and Toki almost died, twice. He was stabilized and on pain killers so he could rest. The band sat in worry over the two, silent except for the heart monitors both men were on. Nurses who came in to check on them felt awful for not being able to offer any sort of reassurance. They could both die. Doctors kept checking up on them, trying to make sure they were okay.

Toki woke up before Miyavi did, complaining about the pain and whimpering what happened to his bandmates. He looked over sadly at Miyavi, crying quietly for his friend. Toki started to improve that day but Miyavi didn't wake up until later that afternoon, confused and scared.

"What...where am I?" He sounded like a scared child, tense and afraid and unsure of anything. He looked around at the band, Toki in the next bed, and Dai at his side. "Who are you?"

Dai had left for a short time to talk to reporters. They all wanted to know about the condition of the two bandmates. He did the best he could but excused himself shortly to go back inside and sit with Miyavi. Toki woke up first and Dai couldn't help the bad feeling he had that something was wrong with Miyavi. It didn't go away when he woke up either. Dai was so happy when he woke up and ready to reassure him of where he was and that he was alright...but Miyavi didn't recognize him.

"Miyavi it's me. Dai...y-you don't know me? How is that...nurse. Nurse! Miyavi's awake but he doesn't seem to recognize me." The nurse came in and looked into Miyavi's eyes.

"Sir is there anyone in the room you know? You might have amnesia. I'll call the doctor. See about some tests to make sure everything's alright."

"W-what's going on?" He looked even more scared when Dai freaked out. The other bandmates looked shocked and unsure. Miyavi felt like he was going to cry. What the hell was going on?

A doctor came in and did some neurological testing and had a nurse take some blood. They took Miyavi for a CT scan and when they brought him back, the doctor frowned and said the blow Miyavi received in the car accident gave him amnesia. He'll recover from the car accident, but the amnesia might be permanent. There was nothing else the doctor could do. He told them all to go easy on Miyavi and not demand too much from him, that it is harder on him than it is for the rest of them.

Miyavi was curled onto one side, looking away from everyone. He didn't know any of them and he couldn't remember anything. It was so wrong and he didn't know what to do.

Time had passed and Dai felt like Miyavi had died...the Miyavi he knew and loved. He still loved him with all his heart but Miyavi wasn't Miyavi. He didn't want to be near Dai that much. The band was on hiatus and they had told him to take some time and just stay away a bit. In that time though Miyavi and Toki got pretty close. The guitarist had come in with a bouquet of daisies to give to Miyavi only to see him and Toki kissing. His heart broke in that moment. Somehow he'd lost him. It...it hurt. But instead of crying he held the tears and simply offered Miyavi the daisies.

"Here...get well soon Miyavi-chan...you too Toki." He left as the tears started to fall. It hurt too much to even speak. They're band was already pretty much over and now Toki had really gotten Miyavi away from him. Dai went back to his apartment he had with his assumed dead boyfriend. The Miyavi he knew was gone...or buried deep inside his mind and wasn't likely to come out anytime soon.

People seemed to shun him. No one could tell him anything about his family or his home. The other injured man, Toki, told him what happened, told him they were in a band and that they had been dating. Miyavi didn't know what to make of any of it. He'd been staying at Toki's apartment, but it just wasn't right. They were at the band's practice space and Toki finally convinced Miyavi that maybe a kiss would help his memory. It didn't. He felt even more confused than before. The redhead, Dai, gave him some flowers and Miyavi could tell that he was really upset about something. He almost wanted to go after him and find out if he had done something wrong, but Toki tried to get him to play the guitar. Miyavi's head hurt after trying to play and went to go lay down. Another band member, Mitsuo, came to check on him and Miyavi spilled the beans without even realizing it, telling him that he didn't think he could play the guitar again or be the boyfriend Toki told him he was. He was confused and scared and just wished he knew who he was.

Later, Mitsuo went to Dai, telling him that Toki lied to Miyavi, told him that it was HE who had been dating him, not Dai. Mitsuo was angry, but didn't know what to do. He wanted Dai to take care of it. Miyavi needed Dai just as much as Dai needed him back.

Miyavi was sitting outside of the band's practice stage, his knees pulled to his chest. His head hurt a lot and the things people were telling him just didn't make sense.

Dai listened to Mitsuo and wanted to hurt Toki. Oh god did want to hurt him. The man grabbed a scrapbook oh him and Miyavi over their years together at QA and college. He came up to him outside the studio and held it out to him.

"You're favorite colors are red and black. You love pretty much all forms of pasta and pizza. You hate meat and your favorite flowers are daisies. You were born in Okinawa, Japan. I can't do much more then that. I promised to give you space. I told the doctor I wouldn't force our past on you...this is a new life is what he said. A new life and you may not want to spend it with me this time around...but...that scrapbook. It's your old life. The one we had together. I've known you since I was 17 Miyavi. We shared a dorm together at Quesuco Academy in England. Mitsuo said you were having trouble with adjusting and that it didn't feel right. I don't know...I just thought it would help. I promised to give you space even if it kills me." Dai leaned down and kissed Miyavi softly before heading toward the building.

"That's who you were Miyavi...not who you have to be. Though...I would love to have you back. You're the love of my life Mi-chan but I don't know if I was yours."

Miyavi heard someone come out towards him and he looked up to see who it was. Dai. For some reason, his name was the only one he could remember. He was handed a scrapbook and told things about himself. This was who he was, not who he had to be. No pressure. Toki was lying to him? Dai kissed him, though, and Miyavi didn't want him to leave.

"Wait!" He said, hoping to stop him before he went inside. "Will you...look at this with me?"

He indicated the scrapbook. He could tell that the hurt in Dai's eyes ran deep. This man was in love with him and Miyavi didn't know a thing about him. How did he ever become worthy of love? He wanted to hear it all. He smiled when the redhead came back and sat next to him. Why did he have a bit of a flutter in his stomach when Dai sat close? He opened the scrapbook and pointed to the first picture, one of the two of them looking really young.

"Why is this picture crumpled up?" He asked, curiously looking at Dai.

Dai came back and sat down. That first picture was kind of funny and sad at the same time. "That one...that was the first picture we took after we started dating. It took a bit to get there too. It started out as just a friends with benefits thing and then I...I developed feelings for you and was coming to tell you when...when I heard you and him together. Mao. He was older then us but I heard you saying his name. After that we got in a fight and you came and told me you wanted me too. We dated for the rest of our time at QA. It was hard at times and we even broke up once or twice. It was high school. It happened to everyone." Dai was smiling fondly at the memories. It was nice to reminisce. His smile faded though.

"We went to separate colleges. We tried the long distance thing but...let's just say one christmas visit ended horrible and we broke up. I ripped the picture out of the scrapbook and crumpled it up, throwing it away. At least I thought I did. It was still in my things somehow because when I was packing up all my stuff to leave college forever my roommate Mitsuo found it and showed it to me. We hadn't spoken in nearly two years. I broke down when I saw it. It was still painful to see any pictures of you after what happened. I mean you hated me for all I knew. But he convinced me to find you and talk to you. So I did. We made up that night and were together ever since. I don't know what happened those two years we were apart. You never talked about it to me. You just refused. I got healthy again and we started a band and everything was amazing...up until about a month ago. You started working late on some project with Toki but wouldn't say what. You wouldn't get home till about 5 maybe 6 in the morning. The night of your accident was the fourth night in a row you were gone. I was starting to get paranoid and thought maybe you didn't want me with how clingy I've been and you just didn't know how to tell me or something. Anyway. That picture got put back in the morning after we made up. It's crumpled because I wanted to erase it. Guess fate didn't want me to."

Miyavi listened intently, watching Dai's features. He was telling the truth, alright. So how come Miyavi can't remember him? He looked at the picture, how much they were both smiling. Miyavi ran his fingers over the picture and sighed. He turned the page and there was one of himself smiling like an idiot, no shirt on but wearing this silver necklace.

"Oh..." He pointed to the necklace and looked up at Dai. "Then you know why this necklace is important?"

He pulled the chain out from under his shirt and showed the charm to Dai. It was the same as the one in the photo. He looked back down at himself in the picture and noticed one of his tattoos was missing. The one of the dragon.

"And the tattoo..." He said, unbuttoning his shirt a little and showing Dai the dragon tattoo on his chest.

Dai blushed and smiled when the necklace was mentioned. "That...was something that I gave you for a present. It was a special occasion and well, it symbolized the key to my heart. I gave it to you to protect. It was the day I gave you my heart. Of course I kinda broke it too...it was a huge misunderstanding involving, yet again, Mao. We broke up for about a day maybe two. But it has always stood for my love for you. You've never taken it off since I gave it to you nine years ago. As for the tattoo, I don't know. You got it during the two years we were separated. But I do know it was meant to symbolize me. The tail of the dragon contains my name in it. You showed it to me the morning we made up."

He watched Dai's eyes as he spoke. Miyavi couldn't help but feeling sorry for him. The man he loved was stuck somewhere and Miyavi was wishing desperately he could bring him back. How could someone love him so much, how could he love so completely and not remember? He looked sadly back down at the scrapbook and turned the page. There was a lopsided picture of the two of them kissing, Miyavi's hand outstretched, holding the camera as the picture was taken. He smiled a little and looked at the next page, Dai, shirtless, crouched over a guitar. Miyavi smiled and ran his fingers along the picture.

"I wish I could remember..." He choked up a little and turned the page. It was a picture of Dai, Miyavi, and Dai's little sister, Bunny, with her arms around Miyavi's middle. "Who's she?"

He looked over at Dai, feeling even sadder for the longing he saw there. It must be so hard for him, having to explain their relationship like this. Miyavi felt so awful, but he needed Dai's help. This book felt like the key to remembering. Dai, too. He wanted to stick close to him. He felt awkward at Toki's apartment and maybe Dai knew where his home was. Maybe if Miyavi could be someplace familiar, things would come back to him.

"Do you...do you know where I live?" He asked timidly.

"That's my little sister. She wasn't really fond of you at first because you were my boyfriend but it last a whole...oh three minutes. You two hit it off and she absolutely loves you. You, uh, you kinda live with me. We've lived together the last 3-4 years since we got back together. Come on. I'll show you if you want." Dai stood up and held out his hand for Miyavi to help him up but wasn't sure he wanted to let go.

Miyavi chuckled a little, happy that he was rather well-liked. He lived with Dai? That could be a good thing. If he could be around things that were familiar and around the man that loves him, maybe the memories will come back. He took Dai's hand and got up, letting the redhead lead him on. He kept a hold of Dai's hand, finding an unusual amount of comfort from the touch.

"When we get there...could you tell me more? Maybe help me remember?" He asked sweetly, smiling at Dai. He liked him a lot. He was really nice. Toki was demanding things and Miyavi just knew it was wrong. This felt a lot better.

Dai led Miyavi back to his apartment and showed him around. He hadn't really had the heart to stay and Miyavi's side was still made from before the accident. "This is our place. Most of our stuff is so mixed I don't think we could accurately separate it if we wanted to." The guitarist sat down on the couch and turned on the tv. There was a dvd in of their latest tour. It was on the extras screen. Each of the band mates and done a day in their life kind of thing while on tour.

"Here. Do you want to watch mine or yours first?"

Miyavi walked around the apartment, looking for anything that would spark a memory, make something fit. The whole place felt good, though. He liked being here. He felt comfortable, which was a first since the accident. He kept holding onto Dai's hand. it just made sense to. He didn't know why. Well, he knew they were lovers, but right now...they weren't, really. He didn't want to let Dai go. Miyavi was afraid for him. He didn't want Dai to be sad anymore. He wanted his memories back so that Dai wouldn't be sad.

He sat on the couch and looked at what Dai was going to show him. "Which ever you want...I guess mine..." He didn't know what to think. It all was so new to him, yet he felt like he was in the right place.

Dai clicked on Miyavi's name and it started to play. The clock showed it was about 7:30 in the morning "Good morning mina-san, I'm Miyavi and this is my day in the life. Let me show you what I wake up to every morning. You can't smell it but I smell breakfast. That can only mean that my boyfriend and love Dai is up. He's always up first somehow. And there he is. All messy hair and low set boxers. The boxers were a recent addition to his outfit, if you know what I mean." There was Dai on camera wheeling a cart of food into the room from outside. He looked up and grinned.

"What are you doing?"

"My video of a day in my life." Still smiling Dai moved closer to the camera.

"That better not include us in bed. That's a bit too rated R for everyone. I will however give you a kiss." The camera turned to show Dai kissing Miyavi and then looked at the camera.

"Ohayo mina-san." The pair were smiling and clearly in love with each other.

"It's time for breakfast. You know the rules. If you don't eat, I don't eat. So put down the camera and come have breakfast."

Miyavi watched intently, trying to pick up on who he was. He could see Dai's devotion and it made him feel sad again. There was Dai in just boxers and that kiss...Miyavi was longing to have it back. He wanted so much to remember everything. Especially Dai. He kept watching, the camera showing Miyavi following Dai around, adding witty commentary and making Dai smile. He liked watching this, liked that he was capable of such love, but he looked over at Dai on the couch, sure that watching this was painful.

"I'm sorry..." He said, looking at him with tears in his eyes. "I wish I could remember...I want to remember..."

He pointed to the screen, where the screen showed he had set the camera down and had pounced on Dai, tickling him.

"I want that back..." His voice was shaky and he reached up to wipe his tears away. "I...there has to be some way to remember..."

Dai looked over at Miyavi and pulled him in a hug. "You may not remember. The doctor said it may be permanent. That doesn't mean I won't still love you. Miyavi...you get to be someone new. Anyone you want. Don't force yourself into your old life because of me. Do it because you really truly want to." Dai pulled away slightly as they stared at each other for a moment. His body reacted before his mind and soon they were kissing again.

"I want it, though. I want to remember everything. I want my life back, Dai." He hugged onto him, nuzzling against him a little as he tried not to cry. He didn't want a new life, he wanted the one that made sense. The one he had before the accident. Dai pulled away from him a little and Miyavi looked into his eyes. He wanted this back. He could see the pain Dai was going through. The man on the screen would never let Dai feel this hurt. Before he realized what was happening, he was kissing him. It felt so right. Unlike kissing Toki. That was weird. This felt perfect. His hands went to Dai's sides and held onto him. not wanting to ever break away and be without his touch.

Slowly Dai moved into Miyavi's lap as the kissing got more intense. It felt amazing. He moaned softly as his hands rested on Miyavi's chest. When they finally broke away Dai wasn't sure what to do. That kiss was definitely his Miyavi.

"You sure you want to do this?" He was meaning the entire night, not just the kissing but everything kissing could lead to.

He slipped his hands around Dai's waist and held him close, kissing him eagerly. He felt breathless when Dai pulled away.

"I want to remember...you...you were my life...from what you've shown me, I wouldn't leave you sad...I'd do everything to make you smile again. That's what I want to do." He said, running his hands gently along Dai's sides. He did want this. Maybe their actions would trigger some memories.

Dai smiled and kisses Miyavi again before getting up and leading him to the bedroom. "Well...this is our bed. What better place to start then that?" The redhead laid down and pulled Miyavi on top of him. His hands were inside his boyfriend's shirt as he met his lips again. It was nice to finally be like this again. They hadn't done this since about a week before the accident. He was very happy to have him back in his bed. It was hard to sleep alone.

He let Dai lead him to the bedroom and towards their bed. Yes. Their bed. For 10 years. He was hoping this would bring his memory back. He was so tired of not knowing who he was. Miyavi crawled on top of Dai and kissed him, moaning softly at Dai's soft touches. He was shaky and unsure, like new lovers would be. He wanted this, though. Since the first moment Dai touched him, he wanted him. This was where he wanted to stay.