Only Way to Salvation is to go Through Hell

Kanon was sitting in a shooting gallory about to get his fix of heroine. It was a first time for him...he wasn't sure what to do. But his boyfriend was there for him. "Here baby...no more speedballing. This will give you an instant fix..." The cute blond that had taken him to this state had come over to him. Bou came and sat in his lap, and took the needle. Kanon's arm was already tensed and ready. It didn't take him long to find the vein and inject the toxic substance into his arm. Kanon felt his high start to come and the calm wash over him. Daddy's money paid for the best stuff...and this? Way better then coke. Unbelievably better then the speed he started out on. Pleasure over took him as Bou started to ride him. Sex while high...mmm, nice. The teen's hands found his hips as Bou's breathing got heavier. The way it made their hearts thump. Oh god this was amazing! Someone was yelling...sounded like cops. Bou and Kanon didn't care. All that mattered was getting off. Getting off and getting high. Then...well then he passed out.

How many cases like his had he seen over the last few years? How many of the same bullshit stories had he been fed to try and pull that poor little me, mommy and daddy were never around... Well, the good thing was, was he knew all the bullshit tricks everyone tried to pull. He'd been there, he'd lived it, he knew every trick. It made him one of the best in his field... His newest case? A couple a homosexual drug addicts. He sighed as he read the profile, both were rich boys who would probably always live off of Mommy and Daddy's money.

This... Bou though, seemed interesting. He had a history of substance abuse and suicide attempts. Kanon was squeaky clean... how odd. Oh well, the toxicology reports showed a lot of drugs in Kanon's system, pretty boy just hadn't been caught like his lover. Great... Well time to get this show on the road.

He walked into Kanon's hospital room and saw that the teen was waking up, "Welcome back to the living. I'm Akiharu Tsukiyama, I'm going to be your therapist and coach while we break you of your fantastic lifestyle choice. And I mean the drugs, not your homosexuality. Welcome to hell."

Kanon woke up in a room that he didn't recognize. It wasn't his. It wasn't Bou's. It wasn't the shooting gallory...huh. "I...I need Bou...where's Bou?" His body hurt...he needed his drugs. Kanon was entering a painful detox and he didn't want to.

"Give me my boyfriend and let me out of here...I-I-...You can't hold me here..." Kanon was shaking as he sat up. His body was sore everywhere. It wasn't good. He wanted his high...wanted his boyfriend. Fuck! Where the hell was he!?

Miku was looking down at his papers boredly, "I'm sorry, but as of six o'clock this morning you were admitting into rehab by the state and your parents. So yes, I can hold you here. Lay back down, you're going to make yourself sick." Thee counselor pushed him back down on the bed and kept a firm hand on his chest, "Stay down or they'll take away all of your freedom and restrain you and you wont ever see your boyfriend throughout your entire time here. Bou is down the hall, he took a higher dose that you and nearly killed himself. He's getting the medical care he needs right now, if interrupted he'll die."

He was always blunt with his patients, it worked better most of the time. Except for when it didn't. "Alright, so to start... Why drugs? You and your boyfriend seem pretty close, shouldn't that be better than any drug?"

"I want to see Bou. I won't talk till I do. Let me see him. I need to see him. Bou is everything. Give him back!!" Kanon was fighting his quesy stomach. He was desperate to see Bou. "You took him away! I want him back! Give him back! Let me see him!" Kanon was pounding his fists on his bed. It was clear that he wasn't going to do anything to help himself until he saw his boyfriend. All he needed was to see him, to make sure he was okeh. Then...then he would talk. He wanted drugs really bad but...Bou was more important. Keeping Bou alive.

"Spoiled little rich kids... Fine you want to see him? I'll let you see him." Miku grabbed a wheelchair and opened it, he then moved to put Kanon in it. "Hold on to your IV rack." Maybe seeing what the drugs did to his lover would kick some sense in his empty head. He wheeled him down the hall and turned to enter a viewing room. From where Kanon was sitting he knew he'd be able to see his frail lover and the Doctors rushing to keep him alive.

"See what the drugs did to him? People are fighting for his life because his body can't. Is that what you want for both of you? The records show you're older and a smart kid, do you want to honestly live like this? If the cops wouldn't have found you he would have died. Meaning dead, game over, six feet under, or scattered to the wind. Now you tell me who took him away..." He let Kanon stare, making sure he took in everything before wheeling him back to his room. He called for assistance to get him back in his bed.

"I held up my end, now talk."

Kanon stared at Bou silently starting to cry. "No! Don't! Bou!" Kanon sat down on the bed crying. He didn't know what else to do really. His body hurt. His boyfriend was near dead.

"We...we had a friend who smoke pot. We were all at a pool party one day and Bou...Bou tried it. J-just to try it. Then we went and had some fun in the pool and...and in the shower after the pool party. It had always been that way with us. Together I mean. Parties with our friends usually meant hard liquer and sex. Didn't matter with who usually...until I met Bou. I-I wanted him so bad. He was usually around but always with someone else. W-we did it that first time and have been together ever since. No one else. But then he got on pot...and eventually tried speed. Said it was amazing. Like having an orgasm for an hour straight....so...I tried. It felt amazing...and we had sex and that only made it better. Jeannie brought some cocaine with her to one party and we all snorted some to see if it was better then speed. I-It was...oh god was it sooo much better. Bou and I had never had sex feel that amazing before...even when we used bondage and stuff. We were hooked.

"That went on for a few months till Bou got caught again. First time was for possession of speed and perscription drugs. He was sent to rehab for a month instead of just community service and a-a fine. That's when I started hitting coke and speed at the same time...made me numb to the heartache. He was clean when he got back but he'd met this chick in rehab that did heroine. She said it would give us a buzz that only crystal could rival....so we went and found some...he did all the work. She told him how to heat it up and stuff. Speedballing. It did. And that first time...I don't think we left the bedroom for three days. God it was a good thing my parents weren't home.

"We did that for a few months and then...then Bou found out about injecting. How it gave the buzz quicker cause it went right into the bloodstream. I-I wasn't ready for that yet but he'd been doing it a few weeks before I tried it. Bou helped me...he injected me. It came so fast. It was like cloud nine smacking you in the face...and the sex...my heart had never gone so fast before. But then you guys interrupted...and here we are. Take me back to him please. Let me sit with him. I need him." It was clear to anyone listening that Kanon and Bou weren't just addicted to sex and drugs but eachother as well. It wasn't necissarily a bad thing...until you mixed in the deadly cocktails.

Kanon reminded him a lot of himself when he was addicted, sex and drugs, but there's always that one person. The one that means the world but you always end up losing. "As... touching as your story is, I can't permit that. Since he's been in here before He wont be permitted any visitors. And since I'm his counselor too there wont be any pulling strings. Until he has a clear head and can talk you're not going around him."

He stayed firm, he couldn't really feel bad for Kanon. This was a choice he had made and would now have to live with. Unlike his own addiction that had started out as child abuse and developed into something much more serious. He kept a file of all the pictures, of him as a child, a teen, an adult. He was almost a completely different person. But he had to admit, he felt a million times better now than when he thought he was perfect on the drugs.

"You have another detox coming up, the nurse should be in here soon. If you're good I might surprise you. I like easy patients, the more good I see the more chances you'll have of seeing Bou once he's out of surgery, understand? Good..."

Kanon just about crumbled but the man said he may get to see Bou if he was good. So he nodded and just sat on his bed rocking back and forth. He would be good and do as he said. He had to see Bou. Needed to see him. The days passed and after about nine of them Kanon was getting impatient. Akiharu came in and Kanon stood up, he wanted his boyfriend.

"I'm completely clean, I've been going through these stupid sessions with you like a good little patient that's held against his will. You said I could see Bou. Let me see him! I won't do anymore till I see him. It's been over a week. I want to see him now."

Miku wasn't surprised by his outburst at all, but this just proved a point.

"No. You're not clean. Nine days does not justify clean to me. You're still addicted, these 'stupid sessions' are needed if you and your boyfriend ever want to be normal again." Without a second thought he pushed Kanon down into a wheel chair and watched as it rolled back and banged against the wall. "Now before you get it in your head that you're the victim here, you're not. And you had better just keep up with the good little patient act or you will get nothing!" Miku was angry and it was easy to see. Kanon pushed a limit and he was damn well going to know it.

"Bou asked about you today, I was coming down here to tell you that you could go see him." His arms crossed as he looked down at him, "Way to make an obnoxious idiot out of yourself... You know, if you were really learning anything from this I would be surprised. Stay in the chair, you're not allowed to walk the hospital." He moved behind him and wheeled him down to Bou's room, "Hello Bou-san, I brought him as promised. Nothing strenuous though okay? It's taken a week to get you up to this point." Bou had only just within the past couple of days manage to stay awake for a few hours at a time.

"Thank you Miku-san... I know, I'll be good."

"Good to hear... I'll be back in a couple hours, behave."

Kanon felt himself hit the wall. "But I-I..." Kanon just set his head down as Miku took him to Bou's room. Once the man left, Bou opened his arms and Kanon crawled onto the bed and into his lover's arms. Bou's heart rate picked up a bit but steadied out.

"Oh baby I've missed you."

"I've missed you too but Akiharu said I wasn't allowed to see you yet."

"Yeah...detox and keeping me alive. Just keep doing good. He said if you didn't then you couldn't come see me."

"I will baby...I promise." Kanon went back to his room awhile later but didn't really get to see Bou much over the next few weeks. What he didn't know though was Bou was screwing someone else in the center. Kanon was oblivious and happy...but someone was about to find out about it.

Kanon was getting better, he could honestly say he was proud... But Bou on the other hand, was not. He kept Kanon up to date on him, but the doctors feared he may get sick from anyone other then the doctors or nurses visiting him. It was odd to say the least... "I can honestly say you're doing very well Kanon, any different urges or symptoms? I'm gonna go talk to Bou's doctor today and try and get you guys together alright? You might even get out on the grounds."

Miku smiled slightly and motioned for him to wait as he left the door. It was the same normal trip down the hall, same faces, but a very lock door to Bou's room. Huh... Without a thought he slid his key pass into the door and walked in, the sight that met his eyes... was not a good one. Bou was bellow his doctor, and the doctor was just pounding into him relentlessly, degrading him to boot.

"What in the hell do you think you're doing?! Both of you!?" His eyes flared up with anger as he grabbed the doctor. "Consider yourself fired. And you! You... do not deserve even half the adoration he gives you..." Miku hit his pager for the nurses and had Bou retrained to the bed and the doctor removed. All while he went to go see Kanon... who was still happy go lucky. "Kanon... I think you need to talk to Bou..." By his tone he could only imagine what Kanon thought. He helped him to stand and lead him down there, he let him in but didn't know that another nurse was in there scorning him for what he'd done with the doctor...

Kanon was doing better...feeling better. Miku was proud of him and he was going to visit Bou! "Really? Yeah. I'll stay here." Kanon was so happy and nervous. He hoped bou looked better. Miku came back and said he needed to talk to Bou in such a way that Kanon was scared. He didn't know what was going on but he...he didn't like it.

"Akiharu-san?...Bou. Did what!?" Kanon's own heart clenched as pain rose within his whole body.

"Kanon. Oh...well they wouldn't let me see you! I needed it Kanon. God I had to feel it...please don't be angry with me. I've been asking for you for over a week now. I held out as long as I could. Baby, baby please. Listen to me. I have been asking for you haven't I Miku? But you kept telling me no. Not yet. I couldn't stand it anymore. Kanon...Kanon don't!" The teen had tears running down his cheeks as he walked out of the room and back to his own. Bou...was cheating on him. How many times had that happened while they were high? How many times had he woken up and couldn't remember the night before. Who knows...maybe he'd cheated on Bou too. God this was so screwed up!

"No Bou. You asked once, but then your doctors said that you couldn't have any visitors. Now I know why..." Miku followed Kanon back to his room, putting a hand on his shoulder, "I swear to you Kanon, the doctors told me no visits, he asked once, but you both had no time... I'm sorry. This has never happened before."

He moved the teen to sit down since he could feel him shaking. "I'm here if you want to talk Kanon, though I doubt very much that you even want to look at me. But you know at least." Miku was fond of Kanon, but never considered anything more. It couldn't end well at all...

Kanon felt Miku trying to calm him down and comfort him but that only made him curl inward more. "NO! Just go! Just...just leave me alone..." It was plain to see that talking was not an option for Kanon. His heart was breaking. After everything he and Bou had been through...he still slept with his doctors. His mind was reeling and come time for night to come Kanon found a way to sneak out. It didn't take long to find the meds they gave some patients...painkillers and sleeping pills. Perfect. His mind wouldn't rest and his heart hurt more then anything. A couple handfulls should do it. So he took them and then a glass of water. He had almost made it back to his room when a nurse caught him.

"Wandering around the halls isn't allowed Kanon. Back to your room."

"I know...I just...I wanted to apologize to Bou. We had an arguement today and...and I wanted to apologize." The nurse seemed to by that and allowed it this one time but stayed with him the entire time. Bou was still up and Kanon moved over to his side and hugged him.

"Thank you for showing me the best few years of my life for what they were Bou. I really did love you...know that okeh? Come morning you'll understand why I need you to know that. What you did was unexceptable...and I know it will never be the same between us. Just know you were my world...and I would've given you anything..." Kanon kissed him softly and left. Bou called out to him just once.

"I really loved you too Kanon. Believe me. I really did ask for you. I asked Miku once but I asked my doctors a hundred times. Every time they told me no and then gave me what I wanted from you...till I just...stopped asking to see you. But...just know you were my world too baby. Ever since that first time at Adian's party...you were my everything." Kanon nodded and left, going back to his room and hopefully to sleep a very long time. By morning he was just about to flatline...right at the start of Miku's shift...

Miku walked in just as Kanon's monitor started slowing down, "Kanon! What have you done?!" Miku spotted a lone pill on the table beside his patient. "Fuck. I need a stomach pump and detox stat!" The blonde was already putting his hands over Kanon's chest and pumping to keep his heart going. Kanon's breathing was shallow, but soon enough doctors and nurses were there and taking over, after an hour he was allowed back in and he found Kanon was this time restrained.

"I get being upset... but you will not kill yourself on my watch. I've seen far worse and tragic cases than yours turn out amazingly, hell even people in your situation came out fine. You want proof, we can take a trip down to my office when you're better. Until you're ready to talk I wont be coming around, and all you'll see are doctors and nurses. And your room now has cameras, so don't try anything."

Kanon woke up just in time to see Miku talking to him. His voice was slurred a bit but Miku could make out the words fine. "He was everything. My whole world. I was going to marry him one day...be with him...It didn't matter if the drugs were gone or the alcohol or anything else...I...I wanted Bou. He was the worst thing that could've broken...I couldn't sleep and the pain...it was too much to handle. I just...I just wanted it to stop. Please...don't give up on me...I need you more now than ever...don't...don't leave me..." The tears were there but had yet to fall. Kanon was being honest and sincere. He really was addicted to Bou...and it was just another detox he had to go through. This one would be the most painful of all though.

Miku sighed and walked back to him, "I haven't given up on you... But you can't just give up though, you're stronger than that. I know you are, I've seen it. It's not going to be easy by no means, but know I haven't given up on you. I do still want you down in my office sometime soon, there's something I want to sow you."

Kanon needed to know that he'd be able to pull through this, that others had pulled through... that even he had pulled through despite what his parents and then later he himself had done to himself.

"Rest up Kanon... they pumped a lot of pills out of you system..."

Kanon smiled goofily. "Two handfulls of painkillers and sleeping pills." His smile faded down as he fell asleep. Someone had told Bou what Kanon had done adn his old lover understood that Bou and nearly caused Kanon's death...and would've had it not been for Miku. That's why the blond called him down to his room. To thank him.

"Thank you Miku...for saving him. He told me last night I would understand what he meant when he said I was his world. I-I broke him...didn't I?"

"You have... but he can be mended in due time. I wont let him down, I can promise you that much." Miku sat and talked with Bou for a while longer before bidding him goodbye and going back to Kanon's room. The other asked him to stay so he would, every day until he was free if he had to. Luckily he was used to sleeping in chairs...

A week later Kanon was finally free of his restraints, and Miku was there to escort him to his office, "I promised to show you some of my case profiles remember?" As they sat down he showed him several before handing Kanon his own profile. When the folder was opened a beaten five-year old was the first thing shown, then all the drugs in his systems, behind that was when he was ten, then sixteen, then eighteen, and finally when he was twenty. At first everything had been forced upon him, until he was so addicted that he needed to fulfill his addiction himself. His name was blacked out throughout it all though, but by the time Kanon got to the back he knew Kanon was starting to realize.

Kanon was talking to Miku every day and was happy to know that his counselor was thinking he was making progress. He was happy when the restraints were finally taken off. Oh god was he happy. Then he got to go to Miku's office and see the amount of people that had actually recovered. He hoped to be one of them...the last one though. The last one got him. That poor kid had been through so...so much. It was more painful then anything else he'd seen in those files. Only on the last page did he realize...up till he was 20 did he have black hair. Miku was a former drug addict too.

"How long have you been sober?"

Miku watched him closely, taking in his every detail, "Four years now, it definitely wasn't easy. With the way my mother was I was probably born addicted to a lot of thing, and her only way of keeping me from screaming was to give me drugs too. But when I was five and only somewhat realized what was going on her boyfriend at the the beat me. If the neighbor hadn't heard me screaming I probably wouldn't be here...

"After that both Mom and me were put into rehab, and surprisingly we both made it through. My mom was actually happy but still ashamed of what she'd done to me. She still gave me a choice though, to stay with her or be adopted, I chose her... But she still seemed to have poor choices in men. It was maybe... 3 years after rehab and she started in again. And her boyfriend found ways to mix drugs in with anything, so needless to say I was pulled in too. Sixteen ah sixteen... That's when I decided to say screw it and do any drug passed my way. My mother was so wasted by that point that I was fending for myself pretty much. But while I was at this party I met a guy, he was the most amazing person I'd ever met. Everything about him was perfect. I easily fell for him... and he introduced me to some of the most powerful drugs out there today. Four years I was with Takuya, but the day we both tried crystal, that was the end for us.

"We were caught, much like you and Bou, we were taken to rehab, detox, went through therapy, did what we were told... All so we could spend just a couple hours now and again every so often. That was fine for a year. But after that Takuya just... gave up. He didn't want me, he didn't want out, he just... didn't want to be anything. Claimed he never had dreams so what was the point... He broke out of his room, stole any pills he could get his hands on, then ran for the highest floor he could get to without being caught. He ran to my room... took all those pills right in front of me, told me, 'You were my world Miku, I loved you, but I can't take you where I'm going. But I want to be with you before I go...' I begged him not to do it, to call a doctor, to live... but he couldn't handle it... So he died in my arms. That's when I decided I wanted to help people like us, so people could see that even if they thought they had wasted a good portion of their life that there is always something to live on for. Even if they can't see it right away." Miku had never told his full story before, bits and pieces yes, but never the whole thing to just one person.

"And before you ask, no, you're the only person to have heard the whole story. I'm trusting you with it." He smiled softly at the teen and put all the files but his away. Kanon was still holding his file... "You know... if you keep this progress up I wont have a reason to keep you full time any more, you could just come in for check-ups..." The thought was a little saddening, he'd come to enjoy his visits with Kanon the most.

Kanon listened to Miku's story and was surprised to find he was the only one he told the full story to. "I'm...I'm sorry. I just...I really didn't think I could take it. I needed something to help take the edge off. Thank you Miku....for being that something. But honestly? I don't think I'm ready to leave just yet. I still feel urges that I can barely control when it comes to drugs...and if I'm not here then I'm afraid I'll just give in and go back to drugs."

Miku smiled at him, "That's perfectly fine Kanon. I'd rather you here than not completely sure of yourself. Besides, you've become one of my favorite persons to visit." Miku took his file back from Kanon and put it away. He came back to his seat and folded his hands, "So, from here we really can only take your therapy at your pace. But, since you've done so well, you've earned yourself a sort of... personal day. You still have to be with a staff member, but they're days you're allowed out and about for whatever, aside anything bad of course."

He hoped maybe this would do Kanon some good, he always offered this to his patients, and watched as they called up a family member or someone they wanted to patch things with. As for staff members... usually it was a nurse or someone the person had grown fond of. He'd seen many a date start out that way.

"I've been craving to go to the docks...the food stands around there...amazing. W-would you go with me? My parents are out of the country and the only other person I really had around was Bou...go with me? Unless you have another patient..." Kanon looked hopeful though. He wanted to show him around...through his eyes.

"It'll be fun and you'd get the day off...sorta."